I felt stuck in this valley alone – Isn’t that often the way we feel when our minds deceive us – alone.
My thought life ran rapid. I regularly thought negative and had bad dreams. Those dreams often ended with me thinking my family was better off with out me. I know this isn’t true.
It wasn’t until I broke down one Sunday morning and shared all this and more with Kevin that I felt the weight being lifted. He encouraged me to reach out to our Pastor and friend.
Her sympathy and encouragement was perfect. “I’m not surprised the enemy would come out at you hard in this season.”
This season. My small group went through a major transition and I started to work full time after 10 years home with the kiddos.
Mom Guilt. The term was used throughout conversations with Pastor Mary and with Kevin. A term. A feeling. A something I’ve had little experience in. A something I’ve sympathized with many times as I encouraged other amazing, strong moms. Now. Here I was experiencing it at what felt like full force. Anger, frustration, sadness, overwhelmed at the lack of time and felt like a failure – full force.
This force was about to get destroyed.
This destruction was something that didn’t happen overnight and to be honest it isn’t fully destroyed yet.
So far, my weapons in this battle consist of A lot of time with Jesus. Starting with getting to the root of why. Why do I feel this way. I learned that I had a lot of unforgiveness. Let me tell you there was a long list of things I had to forgive myself for!!
I realized in the shame of feeling this way I had pushed God aside. My relationship with Jesus was fading. Though He was always there and I would pray for others, my own relationship with Jesus lacked intimacy.
But through all this, God still sprinkled his goodness over me. My mom came by with dinner so I wouldn’t have to worry about it the nights I worked late, She also cleaned our house! The women in our small group got tighter and more encouraging. Believing great things for this group of women! My kids are doing great. Adjusting well. The young girl we have coming to the house to take care of them when family can’t is amazing! We booked a family vacation to Florida and then later that week, my father in law told us he’d like to take us to Jamaica – we haven’t told the kids about that one – so please keep it secret!
Another weapon is surrounding my self with a good support system. My Tribe. My cheerleaders. They encourage me. They pray for me. They’ve been amazing!
Another good thing about this season is that I’ve learned I’m a checklist person. For years I’ve admired those who are more organized and prepared. This is now helping me be just that – more organized! I’m being more purposeful with my time. Each day I plan to do 2-3 things around the house (outside of everyday things) and so far I’m finishing them. 🙂
I think every time I hear the lyrics to “Higher” by Unspoken I feel they were written for me in this season. Here are a few.
“When trouble weighs me down, brings me to my knees, Lord, my needs are many, but that’s a pretty good place to be…. the devils got a target on my heart and my soul but let me tell you, brother, what the devil don’t know, the lower I go, the more I’m gonna lift you higher…”
“In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans… And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”
Romans 8:26 and 8:28 NIV