Everyone wants THE perfect marriage. Every man wants to be the hero and be respected. Every woman wants to know she matters, is loved, and is worth fighting for.
This month marks our 11 year wedding anniversary, and I believe our marriage is perfect. Give me a moment and let me tell you our story and why I believe this.
I hear some people say their first year of marriage was their best and others say it was the hardest. We’re the latter. God took two people from two different backgrounds and said here, pro- create and divorce isn’t an option. Lol. You see, we didn’t live together before we got married and that alone was a huge adjustment. We spent almost everyday fighting about something for the first month to six months. Not about anything big. Sometimes my fuse would get short, I’d yell and swear. And when that happened he would stop and say “Go to our bedroom talk to Jesus, calm down and we’ll talk when you’re ready.” I did, then we’d have a good conversation.
Some say the first five years are the hardest. Probably because most people have kids in that time, and this adds to the adjusting. We had our first daughter in the third year. We decided that when she was born I’d stay home and not return to work. I would run a home daycare instead. I loved my job! What I didn’t love, in the beginning was having the playroom in our upstairs living space. We had a basement that we intended to use as daycare space but it needed to be finished. This. This became the source of many fights. So much so that we decided to sit down with our Pastors about it. They both knew us so well on different levels. They helped me to to tell him that his delay in getting this done was making me feel unimportant, that he didn’t care how I felt. I felt his gaming took priority. It didn’t help that in that first year or two of being home I had to deal with resentment issue towards him. We worked through that too. They taught us that there is a right way to fight. When our daughter turned three, the basement was done!
I remember seeing a shift take place in year seven. I shared that with a friend and she said she remembered a shift taking place in her marriage in year seven too! She had been married for 12 at that point. My husband and I learned how to share our thoughts and feelings without the other one feeling ridiculed or disrespected. We were becoming more and more like a team.
The kind of team that when one of our girls gets sick in the night, there’s this unspoken rule of how to deal with it. I clean her up and he cleans up the mess. The kind of team that when laundry is being folded, he folds the bedsheets. The kind of team that when one is overreacting or having a bad attitude, we can call each other out on it and it’s not an issue because we’ve learned how to talk it out. Take note: we still have yucky moments. But that’s all they are: moments.
Having the perfect marriage isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being imperfect, growing and learning. Being LIVING PROOF that change is possible